Want To Get A Girlfriend? “Dating” May Not Be The Answer
I almost titled this article, “Dating is for Losers”, but…well, that’s a bit harsh. Particularly given I help guys with dating challenges and questions all the time. But, if you want to truly know how to get a girlfriend, focusing too much on dating women might be a fool’s game.
If I look back over my life, I have had 4 major relationships with women and a bunch of “situationships” (what I call 1-3 month relationships…which never truly get off the ground).
Now, these 4 relationships ALL came about through my social circle but never through a common dating scenario. When I say common dating scenario, I mean:
- Approaching a hot girl, getting her number, and taking her out on a date
- Online dating
- Being “set up” with a girl
- Meeting her at an event/party and then taking her out
This snapshot is how we commonly meet women, date them, and expect for something further to happen. The structure might play itself out as:
- Meet her, get her number
- Go on a few dates, physically escalating with each
- Finding that we have a lot in common, continuing to see her over a longer period
- Mutually agreeing to date exclusively
- Calling it a ‘relationship’
Right? That’s how it could flow, from the initial meeting to it becoming a truly monogamous relationship. Well, what is so interesting, is that this hardly EVER happens.
Besides the clear advantage that women get from this sequencing (calm down girls, I know it aint easy for you too – but free dinners 2x/week isn’t a good deal, particularly in a recession), this also doesn’t really lend itself to a lasting relationship.
My idea? FRIENDS FIRST
Hell, do it for your wallet, but mostly, do it for your calendar and your heart. Dating is over-rated, as a practice. It makes sense if your goal is something like:
- Getting laid
- Getting ‘back out there’
- Getting social practice
But, if you’ve been around the block a few times with dating, and haven’t seen anything materialize into a relationship, consider this approach.
Grow your social circle, become the leader of the social circle, cultivate friendships with as many women within the group that you want, then see who of them you really click with…and from there, something more real and organic can happen.
In case you are worried about converting the girl from a friend to a girlfriend, STOP worrying. Instead, BECOME more attractive, confident and (my big word) autonomous. Nothing is attractive to a girl more than a MAN who leads his own life and pursues his own individuality with a passion that is rarely represented in this culture.
Notice I place the word MAN in all caps…most guys aren’t MEN, they are physically mature boys without a care for others, selfishly running their own lives and with insecurity rampaging – and are usually totally unaware of it.
So, the new structure – the one I propose to YOU – is as follows:
- Grow your social circle and do the things you WANT to do
- Befriend all the women in the group and see who you connect with
- Spend some 1-1 time with her and TELL her you feel attracted to her
- THEN, take her out on some fun dates, and escalate physically after each
- After some time (few months), agree to see only each other
- Call it a ‘relationship’
In this case, your social circle becomes a FILTER through which the women are screened naturally – which will save you tons of time, money, energy…and mostly, emotional fortitude.
This is the way of the high self esteem male, and in my experience, is the way to get a girlfriend.
Your work then becomes about YOU and the overall health of your social life.
- How many friends do you have?
- Is the group ACTIVE?
- Are there attractive women within the group who feel comfortable and trusting there (biggie)?
- Are you the leader of the group?
- Does the group attract new people to it?
- How developed and evolved are YOU?
- Are there areas of your life which are out of control? (financial is usually where it shows up first)
Be honest about these questions – even write your answers down on paper. The social circle must be healthy and vibrant to attract worthy, single women. A ‘her’ with her shit together is not going to want to hang out with people who bring her down.
My work as a coach is best for guys who want to work on THIS path. Not guys who are looking for pick-up advice (which is the beginner level), or just simple dating advice (intermediate), but guys seeking to attract the right woman to him which is a true artform, and that cannot be controlled or manipulated – which is why it is so frightening…
Only the guys who are truly ready are going to gain what they need from working with me. Is that you?
Here’s my 1-1 page, to learn more about my work with guys:
Work 1-on-1 With Dating Coach Stephen Nash
And, if you’re out of town, we can talk by phone:
Phone Coaching With Dating Coach Stephen Nash
OK, pitch over…
I’d love to hear your comments/feedback – feel free to post below.
Stephen.
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About the Author: Stephen Nash is the founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. He is an Original Pick-up Artist and a well documented expert. Stephen has worked with thousands of clients, and is the author of the best-selling 
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Casandra Ross | Jul 20, 2009 | Reply
Just wondering if you might agree. Is there anything better in the world for escalating than massage therapy skills? If a man wants to have sex with me all he needs to do is to give me a great deep tissue massage everywhere. He shouldn’t just focus on the thighs but pay attention to all the parts of me including great work on the calves and especially on the feet. Then he should give me soft feathery nerve strokes all over my body to relax me. Then I’m good to go. Really. No manipulation needed if you have at least that much energy to give. Also, massage school is great fun just for the pleasure of it.
I understand that many women aren’t sensual. However, if you are a woman looking for a man, I highly recommend going to massage school just for the fun of it too. Single men will pay you for strictly therapeutic massages. There are no regulations regarding dating massage therapy clients. If you’re at all attractive and a good massage therapist you will be asked out a lot. My thoughts for no particular reason other than I like to here myself talk. Casandra
Hammer | Jul 20, 2009 | Reply
I don’t really agree with this post. I have had two serious relationships since finding dating science and in both cases they were women who there is just no way in hell I ever would have met had I not been actively trying to pick up every hot women I came across (or in the case of my two relationships, set up an online dating profile).
I think that most people pretty much don’t date outside of their social circles, but as a result most people are unhappy in their relationships and marraiges. That’s why you have a 50+% divorce rate and don’t even start with the married couples that stay together.
Anyone with a healthy amount of dating experience probably doesn’t need a filter for the women he meets because he is probably very good at reading and qualifying women earlier in the process. It’s probably easier to get a girlfriend through social circles, but I don’t think that people who are entering the community are looking for easy. They are looking for top tier.
Top tier for some guys may come from their social circle, especially if you’re in theater or photography or something like that, but I just can’t imagine that most guys desire to have the type of social circle that one would think of as ideal for farming a girlfriend (unless he’s gay). As someone who has a lot of women coming in and out of my life all of the time, I can say with certainty that as much as I love women in an emotional and sexual context, I don’t enjoy hanging out with 99.9% of them enough to jam pack my social circle with women.
Maybe I’m unique in this, but my idea of an ideal social circle is 2-4 guy friends who I’m really close with and would do anything for, then a second tier of maybe 10-20 people, probably mostly made up of guys, who I maybe talk with once a week and maybe hang out with once a month, and a third tier of people who are acquaintences that I’ll maybe talk with once a month and get together with once or twice a year.
Lately I’ve been actively looking for women to add women to the second tier of my social circle, but most of the women I’ve found up to this point are kind of placeholders to potentially bring more women in (i.e. I don’t really enjoy talking to them that much). Maybe it’s my personality, maybe it’s the women I’m meeting, but a social circle full of women just doesn’t seem that appealing to me.
Erika | Jul 20, 2009 | Reply
I like this organic approach. I’m not a big fan of online dating and so forth unless people just need a lot of practice with basic social interactions. Otherwise, it seems to work best when men and women pursue their passions and meet people through those interests. Formal dates often feel too stuffy to let loose and have fun together. Plus, as I’ve written about before, I agree with you about friendship being the solid base for relationships anyway.
Stephen Nash | Jul 21, 2009 | Reply
Great comments all!
Cassandra – I’m all for massage therapy skills, as a way to connect sensually. Most guys will read what you wrote and think “massage=sex”, whereas I think it’s more about “massage=strong connection/trust=sex”. Don’t you?
Hammer – thanks for the contrary view man, and all are welcome here. My position though is honed through years of experience. Think of it this way – grow the social circle intelligently, consciously…it’s an artform, and it’s not haphazard. It’s a high level of social interaction, where you can attract the right sorts of women via your social circle. The circle is always shifting, changing, growing, etc – it’s never static. Also, women then are viewed as friends first, which surprisingly reverts the power back to 50/50. In the PU game, the women have most – if not all of – the power…turning most of guys into chasing, dancing monkeys. Don’t do that.
Social, natural ‘game’ allows guys to attract very high calibre women and gain a high level of trust too. These are the types of women who would never go for ‘game’, in fact, they are repelled by it. Interestingly, they are the best suited for LONG-term relationships (a year or longer minimum).
I salute you though for your relationships…and I hope that continues for you.
Erika – ‘organic’ a great word to describe this. I’m also not a fan of online dating (perhaps Hammer can talk about his experiences online?). Passions always seem to bring people together – the right sorts of people, that is…thanks, as always, for posting.
Sn.
Tony | Jul 22, 2009 | Reply
I met my two longest relationships online, but this still resonates with me a lot. I think you’re exactly right, man. Especially the part about the most important thing is that you’re autonomous.
And Hammer, I would suggest that if you don’t like women enough to hang around them that often, then you probably don’t like them enough to spend a ton of time hanging out with one of them (ie: a girlfriend) and therefore you’re right, you should just keep doin’ your thing and not attempt a long-term monogamous relationship if that’s not what you’re looking for.
For those of us who want one, there’s something awesome about knowing that your friendship with your lady can survive all kinds of shit BECAUSE IT ALREADY HAS rather than thinking that it theoretically will.
That, to me is the difference between dating a girl that I’ve known for years and picking a girl up at a coffee shop or whatever. The friend and I have been through shit together, and we KNOW each other. Warts and all.
By necessity, social circle game means that whatever relationship you’re in has already survived the trial by fire: you’ve gotten drunk together, dog-sitted for each other, went on a float trip where you got pissed at each other because someone forgot to bring the sleeping bags, etc.
Hammer | Jul 22, 2009 | Reply
I don’t believe that YOU believe that there are women who “don’t go for the game” as you put it. Maybe they wouldn’t go for Mystery or Style’s game, but dating science has changed a lot since then, and to say that anyone who’s trying to attract women into their life without sticking them into their social circle first is going to end up with lower quality women is just plain not correct.
I’m glad you used the less inflammatory title language for this article; most guys have such forceful language in their marketing so the softer language is pretty refreshing. While it does feel a little like this article is saying that this is the ONLY way to meet quality women, you have left a little room for dating to coexist.
When it comes down to it, if a guy wants a lifestyle filled with women and genuinely enjoys hanging out with women in an asexual way, learning how to use that lifestyle to find a girlfriend can be very valuable. And there are probably a lot of guys who are interested in that. But it’s certainly not the only way, and I just want to let guys for whom that lifestyle doesn’t seem that appealing know it’s okay to not want that. I wouldn’t have bothered taking the time to comment otherwise.
Too many guys in the community are about trying to get guys to live lifestyles that work for them rather than teaching them how to live a life they want to live.