Why YOU Should Be Saying “Lets Just Be Friends”

It seems completely, totally, absolutely clear to me now…the single thing most important in finding a lasting, healthy relationship is friendship.

How to get a girlfriend starts with a friendship (normally).

I am single now, and at times I find myself trying on the old PUA thinking. It usually begins when I see an attractive woman, and I feel that chemical release of physical/sexual interest. Of course, this is relatively meaningless in the big picture - as I’ve learned.

But, I don’t act upon any of these impulses at all - they lead nowhere. What I’ve seen now more than ever is how important it is to have female friends, and start from there.

Friendship is the basis for all lasting relationships. My prior relationship began that way, and it lasted a long time. We simply liked each other, and liked each other’s company. That enabled us to take things to the next level.

Dating is a replacement for a social life. It’s not actually the norm, for people seeking a partner. Seems rather odd to say, but it’s true. Dating is a sort of role play for people without a healthy social circle and outlook. Sure, it’s necessary and important - and I certainly advocate it. So, don’t get me wrong here - you SHOULD be dating, by all means.

But, relationships tend to begin in a different way - at least the ones that are strong and can last. The basis for that foundation is a strong connection - a friendship.

For advanced guys, you should be cultivating female friendship - in community jargon (if you’re into that), you SHOULD LJBF them from the get-go. Being with you in an intimately sexual way should not be easy, which is why you take your time with the women you meet. It builds trust, and it solidifies the friendship. From there, a sturdy relationship can be built.

These things take time. Getting laid and dating can happen fast, for those who have the skills. But, in some cases, these skills and attitudes can diminish your chances of a real connection, and a healthy relationship. They burn trust, the cause suspicion, and they scatter your attention. So, be warned - these PUA skills can be fun and useful, but they don’t lead to the promised land…in fact, they might take you further away.

The second prerequisite is attraction. But, if you are truly ‘ready’ for a relationship, this will happen second. I have many female friends, but in order for me to get close to them and build anything at all they must prove to me that they can be trusted and that they don’t play games. If I get signs that point to this, I drop them. Friendship is key and must come first. Attraction can then follow. I cannot have the second without the first.

Interesting eh? It might just be me…

This sort of attraction though is different. It’s not the burning sexual desire I can sometimes feel. No. It’s an honoring of beauty, and a respect for the integrity inside. It’s also physical - I have my type, and I know what it is. This is definitely important, but it’s part of a larger picture for me.

Intelligence is important. Integrity is important. The confidence NOT to play games. The ability to communicate. Mostly though, I am attracted to women who respect themselves. This is always intuitive, but I am growing better and better instincts. The physical desire is an element. It’s important that I want to be with a woman sexually. It’s important that I am drawn to her in a physical way. Desire is essential. But, it is hardly the full picture. In fact, I have dated some extremely beautiful women over the past few months, but none have measured up in the other ways. Once the disconnect happens, my interest simply flies away from me…it’s really very interesting.

So, if you truly seek a relationship - start with friendship. Make LOTS of friends, grow a social circle, and get active with it. DO STUFF. Usually, the women who are right for you and with whom you have that cosmic, uncontrollable connection which simply pulls you both into a relationship, will arrive when you aren’t looking and are not expecting it. Real love between a man and a woman is the result of things much larger than we can control. Our job is to show up, learn how to be a man, be honest, and allow ourselves the luxury of not needing sexual fulfillment as a result. That is the pinnacle of neediness, and a disaster for a relationship.

Instead, cultivate friendships, do the things you love, build a wonderful, happy life and allow yourself to float downstream…that’s where the good stuff is.

Stephen Nash.