Why YOU Should Be Saying “Lets Just Be Friends”
It seems completely, totally, absolutely clear to me now…the single thing most important in finding a lasting, healthy relationship is friendship.
How to get a girlfriend starts with a friendship (normally).
I am single now, and at times I find myself trying on the old PUA thinking. It usually begins when I see an attractive woman, and I feel that chemical release of physical/sexual interest. Of course, this is relatively meaningless in the big picture – as I’ve learned.
But, I don’t act upon any of these impulses at all – they lead nowhere. What I’ve seen now more than ever is how important it is to have female friends, and start from there.
Friendship is the basis for all lasting relationships. My prior relationship began that way, and it lasted a long time. We simply liked each other, and liked each other’s company. That enabled us to take things to the next level.
Dating is a replacement for a social life. It’s not actually the norm, for people seeking a partner. Seems rather odd to say, but it’s true. Dating is a sort of role play for people without a healthy social circle and outlook. Sure, it’s necessary and important – and I certainly advocate it. So, don’t get me wrong here – you SHOULD be dating, by all means.
But, relationships tend to begin in a different way – at least the ones that are strong and can last. The basis for that foundation is a strong connection – a friendship.
For advanced guys, you should be cultivating female friendship – in community jargon (if you’re into that), you SHOULD LJBF them from the get-go. Being with you in an intimately sexual way should not be easy, which is why you take your time with the women you meet. It builds trust, and it solidifies the friendship. From there, a sturdy relationship can be built.
These things take time. Getting laid and dating can happen fast, for those who have the skills. But, in some cases, these skills and attitudes can diminish your chances of a real connection, and a healthy relationship. They burn trust, the cause suspicion, and they scatter your attention. So, be warned – these PUA skills can be fun and useful, but they don’t lead to the promised land…in fact, they might take you further away.
The second prerequisite is attraction. But, if you are truly ‘ready’ for a relationship, this will happen second. I have many female friends, but in order for me to get close to them and build anything at all they must prove to me that they can be trusted and that they don’t play games. If I get signs that point to this, I drop them. Friendship is key and must come first. Attraction can then follow. I cannot have the second without the first.
Interesting eh? It might just be me…
This sort of attraction though is different. It’s not the burning sexual desire I can sometimes feel. No. It’s an honoring of beauty, and a respect for the integrity inside. It’s also physical – I have my type, and I know what it is. This is definitely important, but it’s part of a larger picture for me.
Intelligence is important. Integrity is important. The confidence NOT to play games. The ability to communicate. Mostly though, I am attracted to women who respect themselves. This is always intuitive, but I am growing better and better instincts. The physical desire is an element. It’s important that I want to be with a woman sexually. It’s important that I am drawn to her in a physical way. Desire is essential. But, it is hardly the full picture. In fact, I have dated some extremely beautiful women over the past few months, but none have measured up in the other ways. Once the disconnect happens, my interest simply flies away from me…it’s really very interesting.
So, if you truly seek a relationship – start with friendship. Make LOTS of friends, grow a social circle, and get active with it. DO STUFF. Usually, the women who are right for you and with whom you have that cosmic, uncontrollable connection which simply pulls you both into a relationship, will arrive when you aren’t looking and are not expecting it. Real love between a man and a woman is the result of things much larger than we can control. Our job is to show up, learn how to be a man, be honest, and allow ourselves the luxury of not needing sexual fulfillment as a result. That is the pinnacle of neediness, and a disaster for a relationship.
Instead, cultivate friendships, do the things you love, build a wonderful, happy life and allow yourself to float downstream…that’s where the good stuff is.
Stephen Nash.
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About the Author: Stephen Nash is the founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. He is an Original Pick-up Artist and a well documented expert. Stephen has worked with thousands of clients, and is the author of the best-selling 
I always be myself when dating with a woman and I really enjoyed it. But this is a great article ...
Sean...
Poor guy. Dude, websites track IP addresses - which means I can blatantly see that you posted as "Elaine". ...
Actually it looks like one person here does know women. And unfortunately that's not the person peddling his wares ...
Good to see someone is actually reading these 'forums'. I didn't get to see them until like 2 years after ...
David Clare | May 27, 2009 | Reply
Very good article.
I’ve done it both ways. The friendship way resulted in a 8 year marriage ending in divorce.
Current relationship started when I swept her off her feet. We’re now best friends.
So I see friendship as necessary but not sufficient.
Erika | May 27, 2009 | Reply
I agree. (But you already knew that
Stephen Nash | May 28, 2009 | Reply
Friendship is the start, and everything else necessary to build sexual tension (for example) comes after…this is the optimal situation for a relationship. I think that’s what you’re finding David.
Glad we’re on the same page too Erika…no surprise though!
Sn.
Ricardo | May 28, 2009 | Reply
I always used to put attraction first, but in terms of relationships I am beginning to understand the importance of friendship… thanks for writing this article, it changed my paradigm about dating
Art | Jun 3, 2009 | Reply
Yep yep. I was all about energy long ago, now i still think chemistry is critical part, but friendship has to be there for anything to develop further then just lust.
I think most guys have problem drawing the line between the friendship and desire. They might have a lot of female friends, but they hoping to get more out of it, which ofcourse will corrupt friendship to a degree. Usually when guy is self aware, then he can make friends with women he is attracted too. But back to your point, social circle = meeting a lot of people and meeting women that are fun.
Ascendus | Aug 25, 2009 | Reply
The biggest problem is that there are very few women that have the same interests as me, or should I say there are 100x more men; hence, they are totally built up with all the attention even if they below average. I have way more details on this, but that is too long for here.
The second issue is that I am not into the highschool games that occurr when you rely on a social circle and all the girls try to date one guy and all the guys try to date a couple of the girls. To be quite honest there are no physically attractive women in my social circle because they are too busy dating.
Finally, there has only been one instance of a girl in a social circle that showed interest in me.
Now, I am commenting on this as after several “dates” with the same girl, I realized with the help of a friend that she wanted to just be friends; however, it was in fact a costly friendship. Hence, I am open to trying something new; however, the do what you enjoy and you will meet someone has happened for me except the girl found like 100x other guys and I was not one of the top 10.
Online Dating Product Review | Sep 25, 2009 | Reply
I love this guy’s advice. Different but if you think carefully, they stand out…
Magikus | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
You say “The basis for that foundation is a strong connection – a friendship.” In your other article you point out the 2 Male Attraction Stages: 1. Physical and 2. Emotional/Feminine
The 2nd connection would transform into love eventually from my experience. So what about that connection?
Isn’t that more important in a romantical relationship than the friend-connection?
oscarino | Jul 12, 2011 | Reply
This is the very first time I am not reading about the same old bullshit about the “Friend Zone”.
Great post, great discussion.
sean | Apr 1, 2012 | Reply
This article may have made some of the respect I never had for this guy in the beginning return. Very strange way of seeing things. And the parts I agree with and relate to are where he clearly resists his typical male urges in favor of truly seeing how beautiful (on the inside) women are. Not that they are all his potential or fantasy sex dates. They need to be appreciated, respected, and held as equals from the start. Respect and know yourself. Then turn those feelings over to her. But here’s where I differ. In theory friends first sounds great, but in practice not so much.
How many women out there once they put a guy in the so called friend zone ever really come back from there to see that same guy as a romantic interest. I mean a viable lasting one. Not too many. This is true female psychology to know that once you are put in that friend zone (compartmentalized), it burns that impression and image of you into their hearts, minds, souls, etc. You can be the nicest, most thoughtful, caring guy, show her so much onso many levels. But it is not going to change things. In most cases, it won’t. There are some cases and girls where it will. But most, I vote for the forever friend tag being branded on your forehead. It’s just the way it goes. You can seek friendship with a girl, but also show her that sexual interest that will at least get her seeing you in that way as a possibility. Even sending her mixed messages is fine. because honestly the more mysterious, intriguing, less predictable, different, you truly are… The more sexy you will come across to most girls.
I believe you must be everything to her anyway. And vice versa. Contrary to how most visually/physically/logically oriented males think. Yes they think too much, that is the problem. Not enough feeling. They think that it’s all or nothing. They must get her in bed and will sell their soul to do so. But
I believe she should be everything to you. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. She should be everything that you love in every sense. From the inside on out. I myself can only be attracted to a girl physically once I am attrcated emotionally. Yes I may have the typical male urges, but I never give them much power in my world. There are a million pretty faces, and not anywhere near as much beauty on the inside of the ones you meet. And my attrcation to females is so much stronger emotionally that it can ever be on such superficial misguided levels that most males make an artform.
Girls are so special, once you truly see them for what is amazing below the surface! So many things inside of them that are irresistable nuances most guys freely pass up or are blind to in their so called quests for the physical gratification that takes them absolutely nowhere. All that gratification does is lead to the need for more and this self-defeating lonely cycle never gets guys anywhere.
Back to the whole ‘stop objectifying’ rule. Stop it. Because as soon as you do it, you pretty much kill your chances at a strong lasting monogamous relationship. And no matter what you become, it will never satisfy what you truly feel inside and certainly not what she experiences in her scope of existence.
Stephen Nash | Apr 2, 2012 | Reply
Sean -
Thanks for your comments man. Are you actually IN a relationship? I have a sneaky suspicion that what we’re hearing from you here is a guy with too many ideas and not enough experiences. Also, beware of holding women up too high bro – they are equals, but very different from men – AND they can’t complete you emotionally, or in any way frankly. From your posts, I’m not sure you really get that.
Sn.
sean | Apr 2, 2012 | Reply
Good to see someone is actually reading these ‘forums’. I didn’t get to see them until like 2 years after everyone left I take it. The author is still here though
Read my comments on all your ‘sections’ of the female psychology site. The problem here is that you and most guys are too consumed with measuring up to other guys and what society wants you to believe is some sort of norms. When in the fact the tpyical norms for guys equals lonely bitter loserdom. I am proud to be way different.
And yes it is genetically beat into you to believe that women are so “different” or difficult to get, read, or understand. Well never been that way for me. I have a harder time relating to -, understanding, and feeling any connection with my own gender than I have ever had with women. I fully get them close to 100% I’m not perfect, nobody is.
But I will put my natural insight into them up againts any other guys out there. Even those who have far more sexual experience. because I don’t care about sex, I care about building a long lasting monogamous relationship built on love with a girl.
And I definitely know what they want, need, and how to give it to them. It’s just a question of bypassing alot of the crap from the negative effects many women have received (and expect) from the majority of other guys out there. Causing many women to continue to think that we are all the same. Just as you are programmed to think all women are the same and should be somehow seen as this puzzle that can’t be solved. Or that some scientifical repetitive logical formula will work to “seduce” everyone of them.
All mere myths. And fallacies that many guys will sadly be forced to live loneliness with. And what you choose to believe from a male controlled society that will continue to try and dominate, force their views/will on, hold back, objectify, and degrade every woman that gets in their way of success or ego.
And I detect in the tone of that short passage that you really don’t want to hold women as ‘equals’. So why profess to be supporting women’s rights and feminism. Take it from a real feminist, your so called positive view and honorable aspirations with women seem as hollow and disingenuous asmost guys’.
And you better believe that the right girl will complete me emotionally, spiritually, physically, every conceivable way. Maybe you don’t get it because you don’t have a grasp on your (or females’) true feelings and emotions. Instead you try to “think” your way into or out of everything. And the more you get locked into your typical male trappings, the further you will get from truly understanding just how similar guys and girls really are (on the inside).
Stephen Nash | Apr 3, 2012 | Reply
Sean -
Stop reading books (and blogs for that matter) and get out into the world for some actual experience man, and then…post THAT. Let’s hear some actual experience rather than more of these breezy comments:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/CMon-Man/156086759101
Sn.
Elaine | Apr 6, 2012 | Reply
Actually it looks like one person here does know women. And unfortunately that’s not the person peddling his wares and selling his “videos” on this site. Poor stephen nash, has the name of a famous basketball player, yet is as pedantic with his total lack of empathy and insight into women as the vast majority I encounter daily. This Sean person seems to have a real understanding of women (and he’s right, it does come from inside and cannot be tought or learned) and it’s unfortunate he has to deal with chauvenistic, egotistical, clueless male wolfs in sheep clothings who scour the internet for all their “dating knowledge” so they can spout off on a blog or a facebook page such as this guy Nash apparently does. Good luck.
Stephen Nash | Apr 20, 2012 | Reply
Sean…
Poor guy. Dude, websites track IP addresses – which means I can blatantly see that you posted as “Elaine”. Nice one. Next time, run down to the internet cafe and post as “Samantha” under a different IP. That is, if you can pull yourself away from your beloved video games & porn.
Sn.