But, if we play it cool, not investing in the relationship, no emotional attachment, take her for granted, complete detachment, no expectation, from my experience … the relationship will last longer, but we will not feel anything toward our partner, it just empty … that’s the paradox.

If you can analyze and sharing to use what is the main cause of your breaking up with your girlfriend, it will be good for all of us, be more specific and honest as possible … did she ask you to marry her, and you said no … because, you don’t want to get married and still want to be single … because, she is cheating on you … because, she doesn’t like your job as pick up guru, and want you to get a real job … or, is there any flaws in your teaching … well, only you can answer all of these question … what I’m trying to say is … if you can share with us the REAL reason why you breaking up with your girlfriend, it will help all of us more than you think.

Hey, even David.D broke up with his girlfriend.

Again, I can’t say enough about Intimate Connections (or Feeling Good).

I completely agree re: sitting back and trying as objectively as you can to look at what you can learn from it. I did this and it has accelerated by my getting over this particular break up – as tough as that has been at times (for my ego at least).

I didn’t used to do this at all – but I realized that I did not want to be screwed up over a relationship that I knew deep down wasn’t right for me in the first place. So I did this work (and am still looking at it) and realized that it we were both responsible for what happened in our own ways.

There is a book I came across written by an author I had read before. This author (a cognitive therapist) has written books on self esteem and dealing with depression. The paperback book I am talking about deals with relationships. It was written back in 1984 and it is by far the best book I have ever found for recovering from a break up. In particular, he focuses on learning how to be alone, which I spoke about in my previous post. He also talks about dating and his ideas are really in line with yours. I believe you would really like this book if you don’t already know about it. I won’t mention the name here unless you give me permission – I just really like this book because he includes practical tools that basically deal with the crazy distorted thinking that goes on when you’re hung up on somebody, or you can’t handle rejection, or you can’t handle being alone, or are not comfortable with making the kinds of changes that you recommend (re: image, style etc.) The cognitive behavioral tools he includes were unbelievably helpful to me. In any case, I’m not here to steal your thunder – I just know I lost nearly two months of my life as a result of this breakup, and could potentially have lost more had it not been for this book pulling me out of it relatively quickly.

In any case, this thread has been really helpful to me.

Idealizing her is another thing, however. Forgive me here, but I will speak from some of my own experience about “delusion”. Sometimes there are things right there in front of us which we refuse to see simply because it is too painful/scary. BUT, they exist and eventually bring the relationship to its knees.

So, the key here is to learn both what it was that was dysfunctional AND why you couldn’t see it in the first place. From there, we can grow out of this level, and on to another one.

For me, I’ve stopped seeing relationships as an end-all-be-all – but, rather, as a mechanism for development and evolution. The main reason we have so many PUAs is because most guys (particularly coaches) are terrified of the level of introspection and responsibility it takes to be in the real thing.

So, why not view relationships as a magnificent tool within which to learn and grow? I think, on an unconscious level, we choose people to help us move from this level to the next – and if you can be patient, a little introspective, and not distract yourself with another woman, it will happen.

Sn.

Thanks for this post – I needed to read this today. As it turns out I have been catching up on your podcast as I just discovered you yesterday on Itunes and now know that you are Playboy in The Game, which I devoured over the last couple weeks.

I have been going through a semi desperate attempt to recover from a messy 18 month long relationship that ended back in April! May and June are like my “lost” months this year – I know what that pain is that you describe – it really sucks.

The problem is I started revisiting the pick up community in a desperate attempt to rebound…however, I know myself well enough to know that I had to do some work on myself before I jump into anything. I am doing this as well as beginning to work on my social life which was essentially put on hold (yes, on hold) because of the relationship that just ended.

I don’t think that many in the pick up community talk about this enough.

I have learned a couple things as a result of this:

1) While I was TOTALLY comfortable being alone prior to this relationship – that seemed to have all but disappeared when the relationship ended. I needed to learn to comfortable being on my own again, which was a real surprise to me.

2) I incorrectly idealized this particular woman (also called one-itis – and I’m still doing it even today, although not as badly) and had to be reminded that there were many more negatives in this relationship than positives. It’s really easy to forget all the weird BS I had to deal with while I’m thinking about how I could make her almost pee her pants laughing (which I loved to do).

Those are two things, of many that I had to learn and work on (which I am doing with your stuff, and some other stuff outside of the “dating/pick up/seduction” community.

Thanks again,

Ron

Every breakup is a little different. There is an expectation, though, that is all to easy for those of us in ‘the community’ to fall into: “Once I get this area of my life handled, I will live happily ever after, at least when it comes to female company.” We are told that we can build our own stairway to heaven, and if breakups or whatever occur to us, then well, we suck. But that is not true. We cannot control another person. And even if we could if we were ‘perfect’, the truth is that we are not.

Take care of yourself, man!