Rebound=Repair, or Why You Shouldn’t Jump From One Relationship To Another

I broke up with my girlfriend.

It’s been rough.

Part of the deal in any break-up is the inevitable need to rebound. Or, to get someone else as soon as possible. Or, to secure validation (now lost) from a new person so I can stop the pain.

Rebounds happen ALL THE TIME. In fact, for most people, it’s a normal occurrence. The less secure, the lower the self-esteem, the more likely to jump from a broken, ended relationship to another one…which will inevitably end badly – as it was constructed on broken ground.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? So, I no longer call them “rebounds” I call them “repairs”.

The true nature of a rebound relationship is to REPAIR the old one. Usually, it’s unconscious, but true – the person who is out of a relationship is looking for the validation and security he/she felt from the one now lost. The wish – however erroneous – is to FIX the bad feelings, the broken state of mind, the wounded heart, and to feel ‘all good’ again.

The problem is…someone else gets used. They probably don’t even realize it, but they are caught up in a twisted web of validation, and will likely be wounded in the process. Plus, the broken person is chasing a fantasy, delaying the inevitable and necessary confrontation…with themselves (however painful that sight may be, it MUST happen).

Rebounds, or Repairs never turn out good.

I SURE know the impulse to dive into another relationship. I feel it all the time. But, as I’ve learned, all I would end up doing is recreating the same scenario as before…which would inevitably end in pain while potentially harming another.

Also, a LOT of people are curious about how to get your ex-girlfriend back. Here’s the answer:

You don’t want her back.

It ended for a very good reason (probably) and you’d only be diving back into the same, exact mess that existed before. Getting back together is never a good idea – unless you’re on a desert island (LOST fans?).

Lick your wounds, heal, and resurface later when you’ve grown and learned the necessary lessons that will help you get an even better relationship next time. It takes time, but it’s the only way to grow and eventually find a happy, lasting relationship.

So, we plod onwards…single again, bachelorhood reclaimed, but no playing games or throwing numbers on the board. That would be easy. Growing, evolving, and doing the right things without involving another in my pain…that’s the task at hand.

And, hey, I got the dog…there’s something to be thankful for!

Anyone relate?

Stephen

PS – I’ll be posting a lot more often, as I’ll be a bit more engaged this summer. Sure, I’ll be dating and having fun and I’ll share whatever I learn/create or come across here.

PPS – I’m going to be spending a lot of time with clients this summer as I’ve created a new training program here in NYC – happens over a month-long period. It’s very intense, and is for very serious men only.

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Entry Information

Filed Under: Relationships

Tags: break ups • personal • rebound

About the Author: Stephen Nash is the founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. He is an Original Pick-up Artist and a well documented expert. Stephen has worked with thousands of clients, and is the author of the best-selling How To Get a Girlfriend.

Comments: 10 | Post a Comment | Trackback URL

Erika | May 22, 2009 | Reply

Wow, I appreciate your honesty. Thanks for sharing.
Cameron Sharpe | May 25, 2009 | Reply

I am always moved when someone shares their own experiences with depression. It is so hard, even in the 21st century now, to talk about such things. Every one has their own unique experience of it. One size DOES NOT fit all. So it goes for treatment for depression too.
Michael Capalbo | May 26, 2009 | Reply

Yes, I can absolutely relate. I felt awful when I broke up with my girlfriend 3 years ago.

Every breakup is a little different. There is an expectation, though, that is all to easy for those of us in ‘the community’ to fall into: “Once I get this area of my life handled, I will live happily ever after, at least when it comes to female company.” We are told that we can build our own stairway to heaven, and if breakups or whatever occur to us, then well, we suck. But that is not true. We cannot control another person. And even if we could if we were ‘perfect’, the truth is that we are not.

Take care of yourself, man!
Ron | Jul 19, 2009 | Reply

Stephen,

Thanks for this post – I needed to read this today. As it turns out I have been catching up on your podcast as I just discovered you yesterday on Itunes and now know that you are Playboy in The Game, which I devoured over the last couple weeks.

I have been going through a semi desperate attempt to recover from a messy 18 month long relationship that ended back in April! May and June are like my “lost” months this year – I know what that pain is that you describe – it really sucks.

The problem is I started revisiting the pick up community in a desperate attempt to rebound…however, I know myself well enough to know that I had to do some work on myself before I jump into anything. I am doing this as well as beginning to work on my social life which was essentially put on hold (yes, on hold) because of the relationship that just ended.

I don’t think that many in the pick up community talk about this enough.

I have learned a couple things as a result of this:

1) While I was TOTALLY comfortable being alone prior to this relationship – that seemed to have all but disappeared when the relationship ended. I needed to learn to comfortable being on my own again, which was a real surprise to me.

2) I incorrectly idealized this particular woman (also called one-itis – and I’m still doing it even today, although not as badly) and had to be reminded that there were many more negatives in this relationship than positives. It’s really easy to forget all the weird BS I had to deal with while I’m thinking about how I could make her almost pee her pants laughing (which I loved to do).

Those are two things, of many that I had to learn and work on (which I am doing with your stuff, and some other stuff outside of the “dating/pick up/seduction” community.

Thanks again,

Ron
Stephen Nash | Jul 20, 2009 | Reply

Great stuff Ron – and thanks for being candid and honest about your situation here. One-itis is a phenomenon that I use to describe being obsessed with a woman who is usually unavailable. So, we chase, we obsess, we plot, we ‘game’. What you had sounds more to me like a relationship…which is GREAT.

Idealizing her is another thing, however. Forgive me here, but I will speak from some of my own experience about “delusion”. Sometimes there are things right there in front of us which we refuse to see simply because it is too painful/scary. BUT, they exist and eventually bring the relationship to its knees.

So, the key here is to learn both what it was that was dysfunctional AND why you couldn’t see it in the first place. From there, we can grow out of this level, and on to another one.

For me, I’ve stopped seeing relationships as an end-all-be-all – but, rather, as a mechanism for development and evolution. The main reason we have so many PUAs is because most guys (particularly coaches) are terrified of the level of introspection and responsibility it takes to be in the real thing.

So, why not view relationships as a magnificent tool within which to learn and grow? I think, on an unconscious level, we choose people to help us move from this level to the next – and if you can be patient, a little introspective, and not distract yourself with another woman, it will happen.

Sn.
Ron | Jul 20, 2009 | Reply

Hey Stephen,

I completely agree re: sitting back and trying as objectively as you can to look at what you can learn from it. I did this and it has accelerated by my getting over this particular break up – as tough as that has been at times (for my ego at least).

I didn’t used to do this at all – but I realized that I did not want to be screwed up over a relationship that I knew deep down wasn’t right for me in the first place. So I did this work (and am still looking at it) and realized that it we were both responsible for what happened in our own ways.

There is a book I came across written by an author I had read before. This author (a cognitive therapist) has written books on self esteem and dealing with depression. The paperback book I am talking about deals with relationships. It was written back in 1984 and it is by far the best book I have ever found for recovering from a break up. In particular, he focuses on learning how to be alone, which I spoke about in my previous post. He also talks about dating and his ideas are really in line with yours. I believe you would really like this book if you don’t already know about it. I won’t mention the name here unless you give me permission – I just really like this book because he includes practical tools that basically deal with the crazy distorted thinking that goes on when you’re hung up on somebody, or you can’t handle rejection, or you can’t handle being alone, or are not comfortable with making the kinds of changes that you recommend (re: image, style etc.) The cognitive behavioral tools he includes were unbelievably helpful to me. In any case, I’m not here to steal your thunder – I just know I lost nearly two months of my life as a result of this breakup, and could potentially have lost more had it not been for this book pulling me out of it relatively quickly.

In any case, this thread has been really helpful to me.
Stephen Nash | Jul 21, 2009 | Reply

Sure – what’s the book? I don’t mind at all.
Ron | Jul 21, 2009 | Reply

Hey Stephen, thanks. The book is called “Intimate Connections” by David Burns. He also wrote a book called “Feeling Good” which has since been updated.

Again, I can’t say enough about Intimate Connections (or Feeling Good).
SasukeUciha | Aug 30, 2009 | Reply

Thanks for sharing, I can feel your pain bro, it happened with me too, it will feel worse if we are the one that invested too much in the relationship, that’s the mind bogling part for me, if we invested in something, we also feel something, or enjoying the process, in this case the relationship with our partner, but if it end badly, we are the one that will feel the worse.

But, if we play it cool, not investing in the relationship, no emotional attachment, take her for granted, complete detachment, no expectation, from my experience … the relationship will last longer, but we will not feel anything toward our partner, it just empty … that’s the paradox.

If you can analyze and sharing to use what is the main cause of your breaking up with your girlfriend, it will be good for all of us, be more specific and honest as possible … did she ask you to marry her, and you said no … because, you don’t want to get married and still want to be single … because, she is cheating on you … because, she doesn’t like your job as pick up guru, and want you to get a real job … or, is there any flaws in your teaching … well, only you can answer all of these question … what I’m trying to say is … if you can share with us the REAL reason why you breaking up with your girlfriend, it will help all of us more than you think.

Hey, even David.D broke up with his girlfriend.
Mike | Dec 22, 2009 | Reply

I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. Little background. When we started dating I was 34 and she was 20. We also met at work. At first it started out as simple bed buddies but after a month or so we decided to make a real run at dating. We got along great and rarely ever argued. We are both stubborn so we really only debated a few times. After a good year or so it became apparent to me that I was only seeing her for the company and convenience as I recently moved here and do not know too many people locally. I couldn’t tell her that I really loved her because I just didn’t feel that strongly for her. She told me that she needed more or else and I decided to not lead her on and ended it. She was crushed judging from the sobbing as I walked away from our last conversation and that hurt me to hear. She waited a week or two I guess hoping that I would come back but I didn’t. The problems started when she decided to accuse me of cheating on her which was not true and she was telling this to co workers. Eeventually she admitted that she made it all up one night to make me mad. Very disappointing. Now it is becoming abunduntly clear that she has moved on to another co worker of ours that knew we had dated. They were close while we dated and when out alone together a few times and I knew of that. My issues/questions internally right now are why is she doing these things and more importantly why are they bothering me? I broke up with her for a reason and I don’t miss her at all but it’s annoying to see her flaunt this in front of me each day. Your thoughts?
-MK