The 90%+ Game

Here’s the point I’ve been wanting to make for some years now…and before you jump to any sort of conclusion, read this whole post.

Lifestyle & Social Circle is the REAL “game” friend.

Pick-up is fun, useful, and a great way to practice socializing, BUT not a good way AT ALL to meet healthy, attractive, interesting women.

I would even call pick-up a rites of passage for ALL guys to do. I wish for every man reading this post the experience of seeing a woman you want to meet, approaching her, attracting her, connecting with her and getting her phone number and having a date with her.

This experience changes your world view. It shows you that you actually CAN go for what you want. That you CAN take action in a self-governed direction. That you CAN pursue women.

But, here’s the trick.

It can’t matter that much. Why?

Because it probably won’t eventually mean anything. It will be an experience, a worthwhile one for sure, but it will remain an experience…and will likely never become anything more than that.

You will have your date, and either you or she will decide that that was “nice”. Or, she won’t call you back. Or, you won’t even call her. Or, you’ll have a few dates with her and possibly even hook up.

But, the chances of a cold approach leading to an actual RELATIONSHIP are very, very, very slim.

Like anorexically slim.

So, it is GOOD for guys to learn to approach women. If you only get practice out of it…like flirting, baiting, storytelling, connecting, leading etc – then, it is a GREAT experience. Or, if you simply learn how to stand on your own 2 feet in front of a woman, then GREAT.

But, if you’re someone who is serious about getting good with women – and not just good at approaching women – but good at landing real DATES with women, and striving to meet a great woman for a relationship…then you need to focus on something else TOO.

It’s called the 90%+ game (that’s “ninety-percent-plus” game).

If most relationships happen via social circle and lifestyle cultivation (which is a FACT, OK?), then doesn’t it stand to reason that you should focus on that…even maybe a little?

A BIG turning point in my evolution into a guy who naturally attracts women was when I stopped doing cold approaches, and started growing my social circle and lifestyle.

In fact, most of the guys that I know who are good with women don’t even do cold approaches! They view it as silly and frivolous. I disagree on principle, of course. But, their point is well-taken…and should be by you.

The cultivation of lifestyle and social circle is THE way to meet women for a consistently healthy and active dating life.

And if you’re looking to get a girlfriend, then this is imperative man.

Get good at the 90%+ game, start meeting women, start dating, and get a girlfriend.

Been that way for years, and it aint changing now…

Stay tuned.

Stephen

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Entry Information

Filed Under: Featured • Lifestyle

Tags: Lifestyle • social circle

About the Author: Stephen Nash is the founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. He is an Original Pick-up Artist and a well documented expert. Stephen has worked with thousands of clients, and is the author of the best-selling How To Get a Girlfriend.

Comments: 18 | Post a Comment | Trackback URL

Doc Holliday | Feb 10, 2009 | Reply

This is a thing that doesn’t get talked about enough in the community. Most guys I know, including instructors, that are in long term relationships didn’t meet their girlfriend through cold approach. They met through social circle, common interests, or some strange chance meeting.
Connor | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

I’ve wondered about this actually… Now I don’t know why this is but I was musing on the topic recently. When I do a cold approach pick up it’s almost as if the chick isn’t really a real person at first, if you get me? She immediately goes into the bracket with the hundreds of others who I’ve approached at this stage. It follows a pattern you’re so used to that I think it distorts your view of the girl.

I wonder if that’s why social circle game is better for getting a long term girlfriend? Like maybe its nothing to do with the girls you meet from cold approach but the bracket you put them in inside your head when you first meet them.

Maybe I’m way off here but it would be interesting to know what Stephen or Doc think about this?
Stephen Nash | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

Connor -

Dude, this is a GREAT point. I realized the same thing. It revealed to me the belief that I had about pick-up frankly. Here’s what would happen…

I felt weird about what I was doing – I realized, on a very subtle level, that I was manipulating her and that needing canned routines etc was a weakness. It wouldn’t be evil or grotesque necessarily, but the mere fact that it was within a frame of “pick-up” meant that it was pursuant to an aim of sex, and objectification. (mind you – those were my aims, not necessarily yours).

So, if a woman responded well to this, I would LOSE RESPECT for her…interesting, right?

Because I didn’t respect myself and the way in which I was meeting women, I could never respect her for responding in an open way.

I do think learning routines is a fine way to get started in meeting women, but that becoming your “game” is lame. Skill is the REAL way to meeting them…once I realized this I stopped losing respect for the women I attracted because I was attracting them in a way that felt cool.

Makes sense?

Sn.
Ascendus | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

I have many opinions on this topic, and it will sound like I am slamming this idea; however, I see potential. Plus, there is some psychology of what the men and women in clubs think of each other and how they scope the potential. Many men and women think that they will never date a person they met at a club, and I have been told this by many women.

A few questions & issues:

Flakes: I have found women within the social circle to be just as flakey as those anywhere else. Ok, maybe a little less than clubs or online, LOL. Even their friends are initially suprised when the girl is showing all kinds of signs and then flakes. Hence, the theory that other women can read things so much better than men has been contradicted many times.

Friends Zone: Many times it is hard to not be put initially into the friends zone or orbiter zone where you are not even a friend but a guy they show enough interest in to try to use for attention to boose their ego.

Power within Group. If you get rejected/flaked upon, it is like some of them hold it over you. I have had this to me but not to a huge extent. I have seen it third party much also.

Awkwardness: Something does not progress, and it makes the group awkward for one or both of you. Kinda going through this right now but with other oneitis issues of a severe nature.

Referral: Some of my friends can totally make a girl want a guy when they build him up.

Wrong Target; … however, they always do it for a girl that the guy (in my case) is not all interested in. Is their a way to set parameters without writing engineering specifications so this power can be harnessed.
Michael | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

I can relate to the feeling of guilt that you mentioned, especially when it comes to the Direct Approach. The power of the Direct Approach is that, because so few guys approach, it is a rare event for the girl, and she feels really feels that it is about HER. She feels special. I always found myself wondering, would the girl feel so great if I already said something similar to a few other girls today, and she knew that?
Michael | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

So I’m not knocking Cold Approaches. I think that a guy has to have the ability to be able to do it and do it well **when the time comes**. When a guy sees that girl who makes his eyes open wide, he has to know what to do! And to get to that point, he does have to push himself outside his comfort zone, and get used to talking and flirting with women he didn’t know previously.

And I’m a believer in ‘situationally opening’ other people on a regular basis. And flirting and teasing.

However, I save the Direct Approach for ‘in case of emergency’.
Stephen Nash | Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

I think the direct approach is to be used in those special circumstances. But, common sense dictates that it not be a machine-gun method (whereby you riff it on the next 10 girls you see, all within the same venue). Then, it becomes mechanical.

Cold approaches are great, but their greatest efficacy is as practice for when it matters most…

Ascendus – do you do cold approaches? Are your skills tight? I’d argue – simply based on what you’ve said here – that either one or both of the following is the case:

1) Your calibration is off (so, you simply say things that are “off” socially and need more experience).

2) You aren’t really the center/leader of your circle. That is key. When you are the leader of the group, you are the high value guy. Its akin to the pack theory. The male in the center of the circle gets his pick.

Sn.

PS – guys, get a gravatar…it’s more interesting to see your faces!
Cameron Teone | Feb 12, 2009 | Reply

Interesting article, Man.

Ya know, I would not claim to be a relationship expert by any means. Most of my experience with women I’ve dated has come from cold-approaches. I think one issue is that a lot of “Cold Approaches” take place at nightclubs and bars. In my experience, over 90% of the bar hopper crowd (male & female) isn’t really suited for relationships to begin with., That notwithstanding, the cold approach has a “Game” feel to it that is tough to describe in a short paragraph.

In my experience, a meeting through social circles has more of a “Human Element” where you find out cool things about that person without the emphasis for the lay. And let’s be honest here, “The Lay” is the elephant in the living room no one wants to talk about, but the cold-approach is end-goal oriented most of the time.

So maybe you find out what her favorite POEM is and maybe you share something that you find moving during a social-circle context. In the cold-approach context, you may talk about the poem, but really it’s part of the establishing-comfort plan. (or worst case scenario, it’s part of C3, or Z55). It becomes disingenuous, and disingenuousness kills relationships/friendships between human beings, in my opinion.

I am not saying that one cannot meet a long-term girlfriend through a cold-approach. It’s just that it’s often tough to separate the state of mind from the behavior. Just my two cents. Fuck, I ramble too much……

I do look forward to reading the rest of your article, Stephen.

Cameron
Alfredo | Feb 12, 2009 | Reply

Stephen, I do not mean to criticize about your approach, but I think one of the reason I went to study pickup was to see a girl I found interesting, have the guts to go talk to her and eventually if things turn right make her my girlfriend. I mean social circle dating is very easy thing.
At this moment I’ve finished college and all my friends have now their girlfriends, which now I’m on my own when it comes to meet more women.
To tell the truth I don’t like to go to bars/clubs because there is so much more competition. But the fact that ignoring that meeting a chick at the supermarket/church would not turn into anything good is like dismissing the ABUNDANCE rule.
I as a matter of fact has missed great opportunities on meetting new women that seemed attractive and good girls, shooting myself on the foot not talking to them. I mean some girls would like to meet a guy that sweeps her of her feet, so I thing that yes it could be it.
In my town its very hard to have new friends, people who know each other since childhood forms their ‘closed groups’ that is not so easy to join one.

Maybe i need to change my lifestyle, because right now I’m feel really stagnated and frustrated.
Stephen Nash | Feb 13, 2009 | Reply

Thanks for the comments guys…good stuff.

Alfredo – one point I make a lot around here is that it is important for a guy to learn how to approach a woman. It accomplishes a LOT:

1) It’s a rites of passage…every guy should do it (and even better if you’re capable at it)
2) It’s a great way to practice social skills
3) You MIGHT meet a cool girl

My only message here is that in order to get good at pick-up, it takes YEARS of practice and work (depending upon how far behind you are from the rest of the guys out there).

So, if you’re looking for real-world success with women and dating, why not get good at the 90+% game? It’s MUCH easier and more efficient.

Most women don’t really want to meet guys in a bar/club or other “pick-up” environment. And, even if she did, she’s not interested in a guy using some canned routine nonsense to get her.

No, instead, they want it to feel natural, as if it were “fated”. Can you imagine a cool, smart, intelligent, beautiful woman going home to mommy and saying “yeah, this GREAT guy watched “the pick-up artist” and sarged me at a bar mommy! I fell for him right away. Isn’t he great!”

Of course that is not the case…

So, my proposal is for you to focus primarily on the 90+% game, while still doing cold approaches for the 3 reasons above (IN THAT ORDER).

This is an unshakable foundation for an awesome social life…

Sn.
Connor | Feb 13, 2009 | Reply

Thanks Stephen,

Yeah that makes sense. I don’t really use routines (apart from 2 or 3) but the way points are always the same and like after a night out I can barely remember their names after… It always feels like the same interaction to me. When its social circle meeting them feels different, I remember who they are after and remember what they said to me. In saying that I am not looking for a proper girlfriend right now either. Love this site though.

Oh, and how do we get avatars up there?
Stephen Nash | Feb 18, 2009 | Reply

Connor – look up top now, we’ve added a Gravatar button there for your ease…it’s lots of fun.

Stephen.
CaptainCalibration | Apr 3, 2009 | Reply

Stephen,

What about cold approaches in the context of events or parties. I have known many couples who met at events ranging from charity parties, exhibits, art openinge, concerts, sporting events etc..

These are situations where you can walk in and not know anyone. So if you see a woman you want to talk to you can approach her, but she knows you are not there to pick up and that you have an interest in the event or place. Hence when you get the phone number it can go a long way.

Another scenario is frequenting the same store,restraunt or even bar. You can build rapport with the waitresses or staff and they can even become part of your social circle or you can even end up dating them. There is also social circle building when going to clubs(same people,staff go there over and over again).

So a question I have for you is if going to events and frequenting the same places and meeting woment that way constitutes “cold game” or “warm game”? I would call it a mix of both.
Stephen Nash | Apr 3, 2009 | Reply

WARM…for sure C.C. That’s the entire idea for going to these venues, or being a regular at a restaurant/bar/cafe. And, if you frequent a venue like this (a gym being a good example), it’s far better to simply say “hello” to attractive women. Then, the NEXT time you see her, she is used to you saying “hello”. You’d then say “Hey, how are you doing?” and see how far she goes. If you do this enough, with the staff, or anyone there, you will WARM up the scenario. Eliminate the weirdness, and be normal – BUT intelligent. Sure, it might not provide instant gratification, but it will work a lot better.

At a party, I think the teaser opener works really well. Or, simply meet others in her peer group – then you’ll be intro’d, which is an automatic open.

Sn.
CaptainCalibration | Apr 3, 2009 | Reply

Steve,

Thanks for the hints, I’ve had the most success cold approaching in targeted environments. These would include concerts, festivals, art openings,museum events and even designer clothing stores, clubs with certain theme nights that I’m into, and bookstores.

Here I stack the odds of meeting women who have similar interests as I do versus going to a generic night club or bar and just opening sets.

I would call this targeted game. I guess it still involves initiating and approaching.

A suggestion I have is perhaps an article on finding niche venues. Do you think a balance of approaching and social network building is the ultimate combo??
Michael | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply

Hey Stephen,

I am commenting on this again, 14 months later, with a different perspective… The challenge with meeting someone via a Cold Approach is that you are being judged (and are judging) on shallow issues–things that ultimately aren’t that important once you are in a relationship.

Text game. Phone game. Logistics. Call vs text vs email. Can you flirt successfully with someone you barely know and who might not be that into you yet. And I’m not knocking the girl–what else does she really have to go by with you?

And the flake-out/write-off factor is high. Say or do one stupid thing and it’s usually game over with that particular woman. You could have been perfect for each other, but she isn’t calling you back because you rambled on in your message or you called her the next morning instead of waiting 24 hours or you waited too long to call her or whatever.

When we see someone over and over again via social circle, we are judged on things that are relevant to a relationship. Things such as someone’s real personality, how others view him, any special talents, and so on. An initial weak impression can be overcome, if only because you’re going to see each other again regardless. A guy might not be a great dresser but everyone seems to respect his opinion. Or he might be shy and has led a really interesting life and that didn’t come out until later. Or a guy might be gruff and uncommunicative at first but underneath he is a very sweet and caring person. So it is much easier to make a relationship on something ‘real’.
Stephen Nash | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply

Spot-on Michael…you nailed an interesting detail on that one. One of the MANY perks to this ‘way’; it takes the pressure off.

S
Phoenix | Jul 12, 2011 | Reply

Hi Nail, i’m not a very good looking guy (not ugly either) and in the past years i’ve spent many resources in order to master the game on cold approach, but even if i’ve spend a lot of months in the field in order to gain charisma and SS skill i still meet many resistence and some diffidence from all the random girls that i meet on the street so i get evanescent results despite my good skillset..I believed that in order to have more results i had to do even more approach..but like the last user i’ve casually read again this post and this time with more experience on my shoulder i feel like your words opened a window inside my consciousness, cause in my region the social/religious conditioning infuence people to form couple trought warm approach and i’ve not really considered this,do you think that my lack of social circle could be the explanation of my poor score? for a guy that is not so phisically attractive is better to master social circle game or approach larger numbers of girls just to find someone interested?