Some Thoughts on Flirting…
What does it mean to be both a man, and to flirt? Seems contradictory in a way doesn’t it?
Most guys hear the word man and instantly envision the traditional Marlboro Man pose, with lowered brow, and suspicious gaze…
In “How To Get A Girlfriend” I talk endlessly about ways to develop your masculinity, while also allowing for a sense of humor that is CONFIDENT and not NEEDY. A cocky & playful sense of humor is essential to skillful flirting.
So, lets get real and be serious about this for a moment…or, better yet, let’s NOT. Being too serious, and trying to flirt, is like C3PO trying to break dance. So, how can we take the tension out of dating, while maintaining effectiveness?
Listen, I work with a lot of guys and I know that most of them feel pretty clueless when it comes to flirting. They either overdo it, and come off like a horse’s $&# or the don’t do it enough, failing to create any sexual tension.
These guys tend to live with the “nice guy” label, and have many female “friends” in their lives but little romance.
The first key to flirting is to RELAX. When you are uptight about a girl “liking you”, she will sense it and lose interest FAST. This is not rocket science here guys!
When you feel this way, look her in the eye and imagine her snoring. I know it sounds strange, but when you see that pretty face of hers blaring out a loud snore while asleep, she tends to lose all the importance you have given her. The idea is to realize that she is not deserving of your power, so why be freaked out in her presence?
Second, being flirtatious means being playful. There is a lot written up out there about the importance of being “cocky”. Frankly, this idea is played out. The guys I meet tell me the same thing:
“Every time I get cocky with her, she loses interest in me. I always come off like an ass!”
We call it the David D syndrome…too much “cocky” and not enough “funny”.
Yep. That’s why we don’t talk cocky here. The key is to be PLAYFUL. Teasing her is GREAT. Treat her like she’s the nerdy kid in high school. When she does something dumb, bust her on it. When you do this though, do it with a smile – be sure she knows you are teasing her. Otherwise, without the playful attitude, you will be categorized as a jerk.
Incidentally, NEVER make fun of her looks. Feel free to compliment her “look”, but never tease her about her genetic appearance. Tease and bust on her behavior only. This is where the fun happens.
The magic combination is to combine this playful attitude with being a gentleman. Open doors, pull out the chairs, offer your arm when going over the curb, help with her jacket…all of those chivalrous things…DO THEM.
Feel free to be as nice and courteous to her as possible. But, be sure to mix that with teasing and a playful combination. Having this mixture allows you to be a gentleman. Without it, you become her “friend” and a “nice guy”. Yuck!
By revealing that you are considerate and fun, you become the big winner. It is the essence of what is called “push/pull”. I cover this in greater detail in my ebook and audio program. For now, just note that when you tease her, you subtly (psychically) push her away. When you are considerate and chivalrous, you pull her towards you. This creates TENSION.
This tension is also known as – Sexual Tension.
To flirt like a man means to be the master of tension. When to dial it up, when to slow it down, and when to drop it altogether. It takes experience to master it, but focus on these principles to ride the fast track:
• Relax – nothing is more unattractive than an uptight guy, chill out and lower the stakes;
• Playful – tease her, poke fun at her, and do it with a smile;
• Gentleman – Open doors, offer your hand and make her feel special;
• Confidence – do all of the above with confidence, and you will help her feel comfortable and valuable…this combo makes you the big winner.
If you’re looking for help on how to get a girlfriend, and other dating and relationship advice, then you ought to check out my ebook. Or, stay tuned to the blog as I post here regularly with advice for guys on how to get a girlfriend.
(sorry if that seems a bit wordy there, trying to get that keyword phrase on my pages here a lot. Which keyword phrase you ask? How To Get A Girlfriend, of course… so thanks for asking)
Over ‘n out – off to see that film “The Orphanage” with some friends.
Talk later,
Stephen.
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About the Author: Stephen Nash is the founder of Cutting Edge Image Consulting. He is an Original Pick-up Artist and a well documented expert. Stephen has worked with thousands of clients, and is the author of the best-selling 
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brian | Jan 22, 2008 | Reply
yea your totaly right about the not cocky but funny ive been talking to a girl thats been seeing this guy for ayear and wont commit and teasing with a smile works but its hard to do that when you really wanna tell her to give it up and just move on … to me for instance … how do you do that nice? thanks
Stephen Nash | Jan 22, 2008 | Reply
Date other more attractive women in front of her. Two things happen:
1) She gets interested &
2) You stop being interested…
In other words – get more options…and if you show yourself to be a cool guy around her, my guess is she will get interested. Not worth waiting for though.
Animal | Jan 23, 2008 | Reply
I really enjoy your distilled and natural approach. This advice is great, but I guess my problem is noticing the things to bust people on and then doing it in a playful way. I easily notice things with which to “pick on” people with, but my thoughts usually end up going a way that just sounds mean and not fun or playful.
When people say to joke with or bust on others the same way as you joke with your friends, I find that difficult as well, because often there are recurring themes or situations to use, but with new people you often don’t know what they will be sensitive to or not.
Any more advice appreciated.
Stephen | Jan 25, 2008 | Reply
Well, you first have to develop a bit of sensitivity around being insulting or not. And that takes some time and experience. Your question leads me to believe that you are at least TRYING this stuff out, so that’s a HUGE step – one not be missed.
2 Questions:
What are you busting them on (like, the topic)?
What is your attitude when saying it?
If you give me a sense of this, I can go further. Some things just shouldn’t be pointed out and commented on with women (their looks, age, makeup, body etc) and some attitudes need to be developed: humor, lightness, positivity etc.
Confidence usually is the difference maker here – if you have some confidence and say something with a sly smile, it goes a long way. If you are stiff, nervous and insecure and say the EXACT same thing – it comes off weird. That’s why I ask about your attitude.
Can you give us a bit more detail here Animal?
SN.
Animal | Jan 27, 2008 | Reply
Hi Stephen,
Thanks for taking more than a passing interest, I’ll try and answer as best and succinctly as possible.
The topics that I usually try and bust them on vary. Early in an interaction or with a brief one, it is usually something superficial such as their outfit choice or something quirky that stands out – recent things that pop to my mind are bright orange or yellow sneaks, looking like Carmen San Diego. With someone that I have a longer interaction with I can sometimes, not always, find something a little quirky about their personality. A solid example eludes me right now, but often it is a contrast between something they say they like or believe (working out) and what they do (eating a basket of fries). I try to stay away from the topics you mentioned, so that example isn’t the best.
I think getting better at the first situation (fast or early on in the interaction) will help me a lot later on as well. I think for me it is noticing the thing that is out of place, having it be a thing that I can do something playful with, and trying to come up with a properly phrased playful comment in that time frame where it will have an impact.
As far as attitudes go, I think I have two general attitudes. The first I think is more of a normal, straight-forward, matter of fact attitude. Which I think if I use that and am saying something to bust on someone, comes off as too real and not playful enough. However, even when I have that exterior, I often am thinking playfully in my head (I have a pretty stone-faced neutral expression, so when I don’t smile people often think I am mad or look mean). The other attitude I have is on the other extreme where I am being very light and playful. I think when I use this, the busting on them doesn’t have enough of an impact and they know for a fact I am joking. I think that one they to aim for in this, correct me if I’m wrong, is sometimes for them to know but sort of be on the edge and question ‘is he joking?’
I also think that the relaxing around someone I’m attracted to and the confidence factor, since I’m not as good at it, definitely both come into play here.
Again, I appreciate the interest and feedback.
Best,
Animal
Stephen Nash | Jan 28, 2008 | Reply
Animal -
It’s clearly gotta be your attitude or “vibe” that’s not lining up with the playful & confident energy needed here.
You know, everyone’s got their own style with this stuff. Whereas Mystery’s is very playful and straightforward, Style’s being “superintelligent” (and the women feel they need his approval because he is so much smarter than they are – thus his need to teach them something always…), mine being kinda sarcastic.
But, in your case, I think you could benefit from David D’s style. I know him well, and have seen him in action. His vibe is very serious and grounded, almost stone-faced. When he smiles, you can feel the muscles working…so, for him to be very playful would almost seem foolish. What he does do though, and your note makes me think of him, is when he says something flirtatious, he follows it up with a very simple corner-mouth smile. It feels as if he is saying “only kidding” with this small smile.
Try it out – go to the mirror even and just see yourself turning one corner of your mouth up into a smile. It presents an authoritative vibe, which is also saying “only kidding”. Kind of perfect for guy who is “stone-faced” – to go any farther would almost betray the maturity that calmness evokes…one that you don’t want to toss away by going any further.
Makes sense?
SN.
Stefan | Jan 28, 2008 | Reply
Good article, Stephen!
Animal | Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Hey Stephen,
That’s actually a good take, and definitely makes sense, in terms of delivery. I did try it out in a mirror and I think I need work on it a bit, since I can’t easily smile out of the corner of my mouth, or even slightly. I think for me it’s usually a straight face, or a big smile (which I was told to use sparingly and as a reward, but found a bit difficult), and not much in between.
I was also wondering if you could share any more thoughts on spotting things/topics with which to bust on them.
Thanks again for the great advice.
Cheers,
Animal
solja24 | Feb 4, 2008 | Reply
hey stephen
normally when i try to talk to a girl, it works ok at first but then i find out that most of them already have a boy friend..and after that, i dont know what to do. the others that dont, i believe that i be too nice or something and they i see u more as a friend…then i really dont know what to do.
Marty | Feb 7, 2008 | Reply
Hello Stephen,
First off, a big thanks for this blog/article. Very helpful tips although I was already kind of aware of them mostly. However I’m still facing difficulties in finding a girlfriend.
If you’re up to the task and not too bored to read this I’d be glad to get some advice.
Well I figured out that things aren’t going to work out if I stay home all day long and so I joined an art class. Things improved and I got more social. There are about 4-5 girls every time and I can talk to them freely. We fool around and we laugh a lot.
Unfortunately they’re all taken. Well all but one. She’s nice and everything, but the problem is I get mixed feelings about her. One time she seems to be attracted to me and then another… Maybe it’s me getting the wrong signals.
Last time she had a trinket made from candy and I asked if I can get one(candy I mean). She offered me to lick some off her wrist. I warned her it will be sticky, but she said it was ok. Well I didn’t do it anyway and I think that was a mistake or rather a missed chance.
So was it? I really get mixed about her. I can’t tell if she likes me or if she’s just being polite and usually I can tell the difference.
And another thing: Do you have any kind of strategy for moving on? When I like one girl I seem to get her stuck in my head until all hope is lost. It’s not like I get obsessed, or act out of the ordinary, but I go a bit numb towards all other girls. And that just can’t be right.
One final question: How do you stay positive about it? I’m 22 (23 in march) and the thought that I’ve been single for so long depresses me to say the least. It’s such a downer that you can actually see it on my face most of the time. Thats another reason women get putt off by me I’d bet. Should I force a smile on my face even though I don’t feel like it?
Thanks in advance. Just reading this article made me feel a whole lot better.
Regards,
Marty
Stephen Nash | Feb 8, 2008 | Reply
Marty -
If a woman you’re into asks you to lick her…Marty Marty Marty…
Not to razz you man, but YES that was a swing and a miss buddy. But, don’t fret about it. Just understand the lesson and move with it.
Why don’t you ask her to see an art show or something after the class? Do you know much about her interests? If so, target something that looks down yours/her alley. Then, mention it and go for the invite.
My guess is – she’s into you…and wants you to make a move. Or, she sees you as a friend – not the worst thing in the world as you can then have a female friend to do stuff with…which makes meeting new women WAY easier.
Mystery always gives the advice that regardless of your mood, SMILE when you enter the club. Just does something to the psyche. So, YES, if around others, try smiling – as a practice. It doesn’t have to be a big toothy, goofball smile. But something confident and simple would work wonders.
As for moving on…the best way to do that at your age is to DATE. If you have problems meeting women, and are in NYC – come to my talk tomorrow, OK? Otherwise, get out there with a buddy (or alone) and start talking to women.
In fact, go do it NOW…like walk to the nearest public spot and talk to the women there. You don’t have to “pick them up” or anything – just get out of your shell and take action!
Marty, does that help?
You’re 23…RELAX…very young and a long ways to go. Just start taking actions and you’ll get ahead of the curve soon.
S.
Marty | Feb 9, 2008 | Reply
Hi again, Stephen
Just got back from the drawing class and I was walking this very same girl down to the bus stop. We talked a bit. Casual stuff really. When it was time to part ways she extended her arm for a hand shake and I asked “What’s that” (smiled of course). She said thats how I’m supposed to say goodbye and then added “Or you can give me a hug”. So I took the chance. I lifted her off the ground and did a 360. Needless to say it felt nice although she caught me off-guard again. Obviously I’m too passive when it comes to pushing things further. So un-manly…
Your comments have been very helpful and make all the sense in the world. Sticking to them however is not quite that simple for me. You see the only friend I’ve got is in UK now which has left me rather… friendless. Not much people to communicate with. I’m working on, but I guess it’s taking longer than it should.
Anyway. Thank you so much for your help, Stephen. It’s good to have someone who can actually respond to what I have to say without being and ass about it. I’ll keep you posted. Maybe I’ll perform better next week.
Regards,
Marty
jason | Apr 14, 2008 | Reply
dear stephen,
its 3/4 into the school year and I’ve started to find this girl in my english class quite attractive. I’ve never talked to her before but sometimes our eyes meet in the hallways and class for a split second then either she or I turn away. I’m not sure if she’s interested in me but I sure am in her. the only reason I haven’t really made the initiative is because I think that it’ll be a bit awkward because its 3/4 into the school year. it would be really cool if you could give me some pointers on catching more of her attention or something to start a conversation with her about.
thanks,
jason
Stephen Nash | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
Jason -
This one’s pretty simple. If you are catching each other’s eye, there is a mutually shared “spark” of attraction. All you really need to do is begin the conversation. The 3/4 year story is an excuse you are telling yourself at this point. It’s time now to ACT.
You might want to check my archives here for various “approach” techniques. I’d suggest though one of these two:
A direct approach – “I keep seeing you in the hallway, and wanted to just say hi. My name is Jason”…then, be prepared for a follow-up question like: “So, I’m pumped for the summer. My family and I are off to France for a couple of weeks. How about you?”
An environmental/situational approach – when near/around her, engage her lightly with “I can’t believe the year’s nearly over, and I’m so far behind with work. Why can’t I manage my time better? Are you on top of details like that? I could use a coach with this stuff”
That last one I made up, and may/may not be applicable to your situation. Just make it casual and topical to the context you share (school, graduation, classes etc).
Hope that helps Jason -
SN.