Engage: In-Field Report and Commentary

Guys,

Got a GREAT “How To Get A Girlfriend” mailbag question the other day, and wanted to post it here with my reply. This guy’s note to me was great because it was an ACTUAL report. A lot of notes that I get are very vague, and it’s hard for me to respond. Not this guy though – he really outlines what happened, and what actions he took…which leads to more feedback.

Let’s hear from him:

Stephen,

I did my first Engage. Here’s how it went.

I workout in a large park outside my apartment building. I do interval training, and I get VERY dirty and smelly and sweaty. This park has water canals and all sorts of cool stuff to train on.

COOL – being out and engaged in the world…the BEST time to meet women. Sargers take note!

After my workout, I was walking towards the water fountains, and I suddenly saw this big brown dog come out of one of the canals carrying a yellow tennis ball. It startled me a little bit, but I just keep walking. The dog went over to this beautiful woman, sitting on one of the granite ledges near the canal. She was close by, and I was so startled I didn’t think twice. I just changed course a little to walk up the stairs near her.

No hesitation, no second thoughts…the BEST way to approach. And a friendly dog never hurts either.

As I got to perhaps ten feet, her dog jumped up and ran over to me. I was already dirty and sweaty, so I didn’t mind petting the dog. (Actually, the dog was super friendly and sweet. I like dogs.)

The hot babe said “Abbey, come over hear! I’m sorry, she’s all wet. Abbey come here.”

I replied, “Hey, were over here getting a workout, were BOTH dirty and wet—- you just keep supervising. Hey, do you have a personal training certification?”

Great comment – it’s in the moment, and it’s humorous while also flirtatious. Flirty and Funny (should I copyright that??) is the BEST combo when engaging using situational/environmental comments.

She laughed, and right then the dog decided to shake all the water off her back. LOL

I said, “Whoa! looks she’s in better shape than me.”

Self-effacing humor implies confidence and openness, which signals to women that you would be someone easy to speak with. She knows now that you are not loaded with insecurity and arrogance, feeling more comfortable as a result.

She laughed again.

Then we chatted about her dog for a while. Then about how we liked the canal. Then I kept it going until it was a little uncomfortable.

OK – now this is where it gets interesting (to me). HOW did you know it was uncomfortable? It was for you, perhaps, but are you sure it was for her? Why was it uncomfortable? Getting outside of our comfort zone is GOOD. So, perhaps what we are seeing here is you simply outside of the realm of what you have usually done, and are now in an unfamiliar position. Good, this way you get to learn something.

I’d like to encourage you to really be clear with yourself why this was uncomfortable – if you can post a comment here, GREAT, so we can all benefit. But, ultimately, something told you that this was now no longer comfortable. Was it something she did? Were there awkward pauses? What’s the deal?

I started back home again, and as I left I said “See you next time, but I’ll need to see your personal training certificate.”

She laughed again.

Why couldn’t you say instead: ”Well, gotta run home and clean up for my night. Been great chatting, how can we continue this some other time?”

You’d be surprised how simple it can be to get a number or email address, if you just ASK. So often, guys mistakenly think that women will broadcast a loud and clear message that they are interested in you…this is wrong. In fact, if she stayed there for a few moments, laughed at your jokes, and didn’t disconnect the conversation, then she is probably open to exchanging digits…seriously. Next time, definitely go for it!

Stephen, she talked to me and enjoyed it, even though I was literally covered in grime and sweat.

Yep – there is never a WRONG time now is there…

My second Engage was with a Russian woman I recognized from my local Barnes and Noble. I swear she was disappointed when I told her I had to go.

It turns out that women might like me, after all.

Cheers,
Adam

Adam – THANKS for this. Yes, the only way to discover that women like you (and most of us, frankly) is to actually socialize with them. This requires a bit of gile sometimes, but the price is well paid when you have eye-opening experiences like the one described here.

Just remember to continue to lean into your comfort zone, always always challenging it. Your comfort zone might not be connected with the truth. It might be connected with the past, or insecurity…or both…but the only way to grow is to get out there, and get out of your comfort zone. THEN, take stock of the experience, and see more clearly afterwards what REALLY happened. And, as always, feel free to email me your notes, experiences etc for my feedback – happy to help out.

Hope this is clear. And please post a follow-up to this here if you can.

Happy Easter everyone.

SN.

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